The Real Reason I Ride!

Back in the day before Adam and I were dating..

The more Flatland demo's we do and people we meet I seem to be answering the same question over and over again!  Not that I mind I love sharing with people about riding and my story, it's just standing out to me how re-occuring it is.  Ready here it is!

"Did he (Adam) get you into riding?"

Here's the answer - No!  I guess, it would make sense.  I mean what girl is naturally drawn to of all things the world of Flatland BMX.  I wonder why it's often people's first assumption that I met Adam and then started riding.  They seem surprised when I say no!  I guess it's an easy presumption to make that most girls ride because the guy they 'like' or are with rides.

But!  Here's my story...
When I was in grade 3 my family accumulated a red GT BMX.  From that moment on I was hooked.  I'm the youngest of 4, two brothers and a sister.  My one brother rode the GT to school one day about a year or two later and it was stolen.  A couple years went by and He got another BMX.  I always wanted a BMX too, but was not allowed to get one.  I was in grade 7ish when we discovered flatland BMX.  My brother now in high school met some local riders. Yes... this was a time period when I was the girl sitting on the side line watching them ride.  Trust me it had nothing to do with the guys, it was the bikes that drove me there.  Soon my brothers BMX was stolen again, and he stopped with the whole BMX thing and moved on.

I had a very difficult time after my brother had two BMX's stolen (and my rents weren't to happy about me wanting to ride in the first place) to get my own bike.  After a couple years of earning and saving my own money and begging my parents I bought a 'bike'.  And a bike it was!  I say bike because it in my mind it barely qualified as a flatland BMX by any standards other than 4 pegs.  A 350$ bike that weighed more than me.  My life became hell the last couple years of high school.  A couple friends died.  There were so many life drama's and trama's that kept me from my own life.

When I left crazy town and was in University I used my OSAP to buy my first flatland Bike.  I wasn't frivolous with my money, but seeming that it was near the end of my first year, and they had given me a couple thousand more than I needed... I was 17 and not thinking about the paying the government back part quite yet.  As far as I am concerned. Best investment of my life.  At 17 started to ride Flatland.

Yet I knew no one.  The internet wasn't as advanced as it is now back in the day.  I saw pictures online but not videos.  I tried to do tricks but didn't know what I was doing.  I knew a parking lot where some  riders rode and I would go and sit and watch once a week.  But I kept my distance.  I was too insecure.  I was sure they would think I'm some silly attention craving girl if I went up and told them I wanted to flatland.
While I was trying to fix up my bike I used the help of my local bike shop BMX guy who was great.  I was in there once a week and he always had me a drink ready.  He told me about the Pergentiles.  Turns out these guys were known by everyone I met who did the BMX in my area.  "Do you know the Pergentiles?" was at that time the re-occuring question of my life.  Surely I knew 'who' they were but not them.  Back in high school (I did not go to their school they were on the other side of the city) everyone talked about them.  'The kids that would go pro.'  Some older friends who knew them told me that I should marry one of them.  Aha.

Anyways, back to University! After talking to my bike shop guy, I went back to my student house and googled (yes google is that old) the "Pergentiles".  I e-mailed Chris, met up with him and Adam at a familiar parking lot and the rest is history.

So dear people, Flatland is my first love, Adam my second.  He or I would give up riding for each other without a second thought... yet we'd never ask that of each other.  Don't take this the wrong way what I mean is, he obviously comes first, but flatland literally came first.

We get to ride together, and we do Flatland shows and motivational talks to kids about staying positive and living positive.  I am living my dream.  Flatland is an awesome way to connect with people especially the younger ones and encourage some positivity in their life and future.  We always have such a positive response from people.  Wouldn't trade my life for the world.

Potty Training 101

A guide to potty training as I've learned through trial and error. 

              

Step 1


Show your child the potty and teach them how to use it.

Good Ideas.
Older sibling comes in handy to show the steps
Potty video's
Potty books

Bad Ideas.
Give them a doll with private parts that comes with a toy potty
Make flushing the toilet fun

Result - They learn what is expected of them, most likely they will decide firmly not to do it.  Instead they gain much unfavourable speech ethics talking about their private parts, what they do, and what it sounds like.  They proceed to become curious and ask other people what their private parts are like.  The pride of every proud parents heart.  



Step 2

Watch for signs your child is ready to use the potty.  (Regular diapers, silence and disappearing acts with the returning noise and their presence with horrible scents in the air)  Then proceed to beg your child for months to use the potty.

Good Ideas.
Bribery.
A lot of Bribery.

Bad Ideas.
Let them run around naked

Result - A disintegrating hope that you will ever see or smell an end to dirty diapers.




Step 3
When you are aware of your child's regular diapers, 30 minutes before you would usually change their diaper, attempt to get them to consent to sit on the potty.  Make it regular through out each day.

Good Ideas.

Give them as much juice as they would like while they commit to sit. 

Entertain them while they sit  (video, book, conversation)

Act ridiculously happy whether or not they 'do' anything and encourage them for trying. 

Give them a choice if they want to wear a diaper or underwear in between sittings.  

(encourage undies, be prepared to clean up)

Bad Ideas.

Wait for your child to tell you they have to go potty - they won't. 

Result - The child sits on the potty for 1 second-20 minutes repeatedly saying "psssss, fart, pssss, fart" with more often than not 0 results.   

Step 4
Your child has just gotten off the potty, you have just put on a diaper and pulled up their pants and a within a few minutes you are changing a dirty diaper again.

Good Ideas.
Give up.
Call your mom and thank her.
Run yourself a bath and lock the door.
Turn on the TV make sure it's louder than your kids and eat whatever you want.
Go shopping.
Blame their father.

Bad Ideas.
Continue placing expectations on your child and on your parenting!

Results - I learned with my oldest son what I forgot so quickly starting to potty train my second son, that when they are ready they are ready and you can't push it.  When my oldest son turned 2 until he was 3 and a half I tried to potty train him all the while getting more and more anxious because of his growing age and parents with 2 year olds fully potty trained!  When I decided to let it go and didn't ask or push him anymore a couple months later right when he turned 4 he asked me (!!!???) if he could go potty.  He hasn't worn a diaper since and I have yet to clean a wet bed, he is over 5.  Grace your child and yourself with patience and gentleness.  Hoping all you mothers had a great Mom's day :) 

Legalism Burns

The other day I dragged my awesome friend with me to the library with my kids and she graced me with a couple minutes to myself to scourge through some book shelves!  Before I start affirming the stereotypes that stay at home moms sit at home and do much of nothing other than play with kids.  It's been 3 or 4 years...even though I go to the library weekly...since I have gotten a book for myself to read!  Any moment I get to myself - be it to read, ride, or type - I am truly thankful for!

The book I chose first to read, (Wolves Among Us) I started last night and finished this morning before I got out of bed.  I feel compelled to share about it!  When I saw it on the shelves it caught my eyes right away, and as I read the back I knew it would be an interesting and challenging read.  Currently stationed in a place in my life I am ridding of legalism and the shame it casts.  For lent this year I gave up going to church.  Sounds horrible right?  Maybe funny to some.  When I outright say it, I can't help but smile even though I'm aware of the frowns it may cast upon me.  However when where your supposed to turn to be healed is what has hurt you in the first place...what happens next?   

I did my research first.  I learned from sisters that went before me.  I choose confidants and quiet safe havens.  What some might have seen as me turning away from God, was really me drawing closer.  I wanted 'going to church' to be what my heart truly desired to do and not just what I was 'told' to do because it makes me appear to be 'a good christian'.

I really think everyone should read this book.  Christian and non-christian.  Non-christian because if you don't like christians or church etc., this book draws clear all the problems with it and makes a defined line between what is legalism and what is Christ.  Christians because we get so caught up in things as legalism swarms our minds to the point our hearts forget to love and that we are loved. 

Talking about legalism with literature - I admit I can be legalistic too.  When I attempted my fail of university, there was an intention to major in some sort of english program.  It annoys me when in the first couple pages of a book you come across a spelling mistake.  I know I can't spell.  I know my blogs and such are probably filled with a lot of grammer and mistakes of the sort.  But when you're reading a book that has gone through editors and you have paid to read... I sometimes don't want to finish when I see a little mistake.  

There are so many books out today and authors that I find it hard with my all the responsibilities I have in life and hobbies to find good books when I want to read.  When it comes to finding a good piece of literature that's well put together and captures your interests.  It bothers me when I'm reading fiction if there is inconsistencies to the story line.  Though it's known fiction - even if it's about a fictional world or creatures - I like it when it comes together and at least tries to make believable sense. 

Take Twilight for example.  Easy read, good if you are looking for easy entertainment.  I had to shut off my brain, because so much about the story line 'trying' to come together bothered me.  For the author to try so hard to make it real and make it 'fit' as though it 'could be real', using a real town etc. but to make such obvious mistakes.  For example, the vampires had to skip class when they checked each others blood type in school because of a drop of blood.  However they could attend school regularly and not be bothered by the fact there is more than likely always a girl suffering their lovely monthly cycle.  They run from a drop of blood yet their attendance doesn't seem to be hindered by probably a couple of girls at a time bleeding profusely.  Maybe I'm dumb, maybe I look to far into things, but my mind sees all angles of everything and the ridiculousness of some things would have made it impossible to read if I did not shut off reason in my brain.  

One of the blessings and curses of being an INFJ personality type, seeing angles of a story that ruins the book.  There are days I hate my brain.

44 pages into 'Wolves Amoung Us' I had a clear vision of the story line and ending.  Some books can become so frustrating because the second you get into the story line you know exactly how it will play out.  Yet sometimes because I like to be proven wrong about presumptions about story lines keeps me reading on.

After all that is what the first chapters are about, introducing you to the world of the main characters.  Again unfortunately being INFJ comes with seeing things more than some are ready for it to be seen and almost instantly taking in surrounding circumstances leading to 'an uncanny ability to foresee the future'.  - Which I do not like to claim what some do as foresight.  Though I can't deny life experiences I've had though I can't always explain how I knew certain things.  I usually keep my brain to myself. 

When your INFJ reading a book, the second you read about all the main characters the general story line and ending is given away.  Though 44 pages in, I knew where the story was going, I loved this book because there were still a couple surprises along the way and because I love 'people',  I love reading and discovering more clues around the pages to what makes the characters who they have become to play the role in the story they play - in stories that make sense.  

In this book I appreciated so much that the author takes you to a different time period and makes you feel as though you are accustom and understand their way of life.  It is easy to take in the culture and way of life and feel as though you know the characters. 

I love imagery.  I will understand something more deeply through the use of coherent metaphors which is maybe why I'm drawn to fiction.  

The message in this book about legalism and the demeaning attitudes towards females is powerful.  Whether we like it or not I think both exist amongst us today.  I've been spoken down to plenty of times because of my inferior private parts.  (I do not intend to speak rudely - just to point out the ridiculousness of it.)  I could name more than a couple instances in my life where one girl was praised more than another because she had enhanced parts instead of the girls who had skills and valued brains.  I know of people who have shaming beliefs and attitudes towards females and their roles as christians or wives etc.  They are so proud about their beliefs and feeling right, but they don't really care about the hearts being shamed under what they are choosing.  The fruit a branch bears speaks to what tree it came from, no?  

Are we really moving forwards or do we just keep covering things up by the appearance of 'what's right'.  We may make it look prettier, but it's there all the same with the same shaming messages.  Whether taken to the extreme or dancing around the edge of playing with fire, what's wrong, is wrong.  

As I read I was so moved towards some of the inhumanity towards these fictional characters because there are real girls I know and I can also relate to a lot of the shaming feelings they identify.  Legalism Burns.  It once burned (and in some areas of the world still does) literally, but the shame continues to burn hearts and turn souls to ash daily.  Female characters in the book, because of the shame, would rather death, and desired to rather be burned physically then suffer the shame of who they are.  Just because we do not burn each other physically does not mean burning each other spiritually and emotionally is somehow not as bad. 

'Wolves Among Us' painted a clear picture of how the brokenness in this life can lead us and confuse us searching for wholeness and truth.  We love pride as it masks the pain and brokenness in our lives and hearts.  To cover up all that is damaged in us and give us a strong looking shell.  Pride allows you to forget your own troubles and look down on those of everyone else as you make your faults seem insignificant in the light of magnifying and shaming others. 

My favourite quote by a character you get to know quite well through the pages as he journeys in life and is bold enough to confront his opinion of females in himself.  By three pages into the book I decided I nearly hated the man.  He does things that are so wrong even evil.  Yet you learn about something stronger than judgment turning these pages.  Grace. 

As his heart is awakened to the truth later in the book he is the one to confront the legalistic actions in the end before He gives his life in place of others condemned to loose theirs.  

"You are compelled to do things you should not do.  I am invited to do what I must...have you not read?  The good shepherd gives his life for just one sheep"

Life Lessons Parenting Taught Me

Being a mom is such a valuable role in my life.  It was always what I wanted to do and as time goes by I can't help but love it more.  It has grown the appreciation of the people around me, the roles we serve in each others lives and to gain a clearer perspective of life as a whole.  
Sure it's been difficult, painful and some days down right awful.  There are moments I'd love to rewind 10 years and catch a couple moments to myself-whatever that is!  It's so easy to forget that you are a person too when life demands so much and you are given so much responsibilities.  Sometimes by the time you realize you forgot you were your own individual, you don't even know who you are anymore!  Yet with all the craziness, hard lessons and sometimes life traumas there is a beauty behind what we don't always see.  
Here are a couple things I've learned in life this far, that my kids impress upon me! 


The most beautiful things in life come from the most painful experiences.
Birth.  Need I say more?  Some of us get off easy, others not so much.  With my oldest I went into labour on a Saturday and gave birth the following Wednesday evening.  On that Wednesday, I spent the day making my peace with God in my heart and quietly saying my goodbyes to my mother and husband.  Surely I was dying or dead, one of the two.  Yet instead I received the greatest blessing in my life so far!  
This is true with life as far as I see it.  Even in the worst most painful moments when you can't see beyond the tragedy that anything good could possibly come from it.  Call me crazy, I'm one of those people that believes there is grand purpose behind every little detail of life.  I don't think the question was ever whether or not it's there-purpose.  I think the question is whether or not we choose to see it.  Yes there are moments when the pain outweighs everything, but there is beauty in that too, if alone being simply choosing to wait and believe there is hope and something more to come of it. 


The most significant and worthwhile thing you can do in life is put someone else first. 
I mean I could have the most friends on facebook, or the most people following me on twitter, or be super rich or the best at what I do, but what does that mean?  I may feel good about myself.  To other people, I come and go the moment I'm there than gone.  But to my kids... to my kids I am the most awesome, important person in the world and always will be, because I am the closest person to them writing who they will be.  Giving them the security, value, safety and encouragement they need to flourish into who they will become. 
I could solve all the problems in the world that it has ever had, but if I don't love...if I don't have or give love to someone be it my kids or whoever.  What does my life mean?  There is nothing and no where greater in this world than beside the people I love being able to give them the worth and value they have to me.  The things I mentioned in the first sentence, may be awesome and feel awesome.  However the impact you could have on someone else by making them a significant part of your heart is life changing and of eternal value.  It could be as simple as choosing to be nice to the people daily around you.  Though it's been said many times - you don't know what they are going through.  Love in the simple form of being nice can change everything.


If your not living what you love to do, you are not loving life. 
I love that kids are so free to love life.  Their worst day, lasts one day.  The next day they start all over again.  They like what they like and just as they are willing to try something new, they are willing to tell you whether or not they like it.  
As adults for some strange reason I will name as 'shame', we let other people shape and mould who we should be and what our lives should look like.  If we don't, we're not normal.  I bought a purse once.  My first purse, because girls carried purses..but I'm not much of a girl in the sense of shoes, hair, nails, shopping, gossip etc.  But I needed something to carry around my socket wrench and allen keys, and a purse would do. 
I've watched some people suppress who they are and who they want to be for the sake of what other people expect from them.  I also struggled with the shaming expectations from other people too.  The ones that tell you, you are weird for liking what you like and being who you are.  Worse then weird you are wrong for the way you think and the life you choose.  I tried really hard to like coffee, even tea.  Because currently in my life, it's what people do.  That's how people make friends, they do coffee or tea.  But it's so disgusting to me and just sounds boring.  That doesn't mean I think the same of the people who enjoy coffee or tea...I wouldn't have tried so hard to fit in with them if I thought that, and I don't think less of them for the things they love, it intrigued me enough that I genuinely tried.  Diversity should be embraced is the point.
Back to the topic, I have one life, and it's mine.  Though what I love in life and where I'd like to go, I very well know I may never get there.  Doing what I 'love', I will probably be hurt and there's an increased possibility of death, at least I was true to my core, and didn't spend life living something I'm not!  I am the greatest influence at the moment to my kids and I want them to know they can be who they want to be and do whatever they love to do. 


Innocence isn't ignorance.  My definition: Innocence is authenticity meets humility that values vulnerability and upholds integrity.  Living shame free. 
There's a mouthful... A lot of people view innocence more as a coming of age these days rather than guiltlessness.  People think being young in life - unaware of life trauma's or tragedies that have yet to come, or maybe sheltered from some things in life makes someone innocent.  To me, as I've learned from my children's untampered and un hindered spirits and personalities, innocence means a lot more.  When I look at my kids and ask myself what gives them the characteristics of innocence as people view it.  This is what I see.  


Authenticity.  They aren't trying to be someone they're not and they are happy with who they are.  Why?  They are shame free.  They have yet to experience the bullies, the right fighters, the people telling them they have it all wrong.  They are currently living shame free and are able to experience life around them and themselves without shaming restrictions. 


Humility.  While toddlers are naturally me-centered, we could all learn a lesson from their humility.  I'm not talking about the shaming attitude of "everyone's better than me".  That I would place as insecurities.  I'm talking about being able to realize and accept you may be wrong and have made a mistake.  Most people I know would fight to the death about being right no matter how wrong they are.  There is something pure about humility.  Recognizing that you are an equal to everyone else, and valuing other people, being open minded to what we may not 'know' or be 'right' about.  Not only do I watch this in my kids, I see them thrive for it.  Then are earnestly looking to learn.  When we have talks they ask questions about what is right or wrong.  When they realize something is wrong, they are so eager to put aside their wants and help out.  They are teachable!  Again I hope you noticed - it is all shame free. 


Vulnerability.  By this I mean an open mix of the first two (Authenticity & Humility).  I've yet to meet a toddler that I have had to dig beyond the surface to get to know them for who they are.  If I did, I would assume abuse.  I think wearing your heart on your sleeve is under-rated.  I am and am not talking about emotions. 
 Example.  I am learning to not have shame in who I am or what I feel.  However what mature adults have that children don't is the wisdom and discernment as to how you express yourself and understand how it will effect the given situation.  It doesn't mean you change who you are or hide how you feel.  It means you are tangible and respectful in a way not to shame others for who they are or what they feel.  For a person who lives Vulnerability without Humility is overbearing, hard-nosed and really...just hard to be around.  Why?  They sacrifice and squish who other people are in the name of living them self!  


Integrity.  This has everything and nothing more to do with owning it.  My children have taught me much about owning who they are and how they feel.  
You say something...own it.  You do something....own it.  You feel something...own it.  You made a mistake....own it.  Know who you are, know what you do, be aware of how you affect other people and own it.  If it's not who you choose to be, change it.  We spend to much of our life denying things we don't want to be true.  
If your actions made someone feel a certain way, though it may not have been true to your intentions, it is true to how they feel!  Own that your actions made them feel a certain way, and if that's not the outcome you intended...change it.  Be teachable.  If your intentions are one thing but your actions are producing another, there is a flaw somewhere along the line.  Whether on the giving or receiving end.  Just like we would question an oven that didn't produce cooked food.  Just because someone put the food in the oven intending for it to cook doesn't mean there is no problem and they can serve uncooked food and be angry if there is consequences.  Ridiculousness!  
Make the people in your life worth finding the mistake and fixing it.  Usually no one party is solo-handedly destroying everything, they are just misunderstood, or misunderstanding something.  Or, you know - put yourself above it all and blame and shame other people for what you said and did wrong and for how they received it.  


To me, this is what innocence in life is about - living shame free.  Though I have been through some life traumas, even though I know things that I don't think make me a better person, despite the things people have said against me and done to put me down, my life does not have to be shamed under it. 


Finally! I've learned especially with my kids at this age... To listen more and talk less.
When you really 'listen' to what someone says, you'll be able to hear more than they intended you to know.  Maybe, just maybe, there's good reason behind what they've chosen. How quickly we write people off and come to even harsh judgments before we give them a chance.  How easy it is to dismiss someone's judgment on something because they think differently, react differently, talk or dress differently or because they are young or not as experienced or have a different experience!  Yet...does any of this really define anybody?  As to their worth, value, importance or rights?  I hope no one thinks so...
Sometimes it comes with inconvenience.  My kids, when they want to tell me something requires me to stop everything and really take the time to zone into their really long story that usually is hard to follow, but in the end they most often have a good point.  Sometimes they are wrong.  Sometimes they aren't seeing things clearly, but it helps me to understand their decisions and thought process and correct them where it's needed instead of shaming them and yelling at them for being different or wrong!  
When you take the time to see where someone is coming from and learn about them, if they need correcting, you have earned the right to correct them by understanding!  If you dismiss or yell or shame them, chances are they won't listen to you because who wants advice (especially unasked for) from someone who doesn't care of love them?


Kids are awesome.. it makes me sad when I see adults treating them as a responsibility or something to control.  They are so much more, and maybe we as adults have more to learn from them then they do from us!

Borring is a Choice...

I choose awesome.

Self-Discovery, Religion & Easter

Self Discovery

Self discovery for a child looks like - discovering their body (usually their privates). The other day my 5 year old walked up to me naked right before his bath and said "look at me wiggle mommy!" Precious moments like these ...

Self discovery for a for a teenager looks like - discovering how to relate the rest of the world to themselves. If you have been a teenager, or know a teenager I'm sure you can think of plenty examples on your own.

Self discovery for an adult in their young adult years usually looks like - discovering how to relate yourself to the rest of the world. How many of us are looking for a cause to believe in and support, somewhere new to go and explore and new ways to view or experience the world and the people around us.

Yet at some point in adult hood & maturity in our incessant search for our 'selves', the truth and wholeness we yearn to seek and find... we have to simply face ourselves.

Once we've discovered our private parts, that not everything revolves around us and that on a grander scale of things we're pretty insignificant and small as an individual in this world...where do we draw our 'selves' from then?

Let's start stocking up on some self-help books I guess. That was all the rage back in my late teen days. Everyone was doing it, though I sort of thought those author's wanted my money more then they wanted to help me.

Some people believe in religion, others believe in them self, others believe in other people, some their stuff, and so on.

I believe in God. WHOA! hold your judgments. I know a 'god' isn't necessarily easy to come around to for a lot of people. Just because I believe in God, doesn't mean I'm going to hold you up to the same standards I choose to live up too. I choose to love the people in my life wherever they are at. Not every day is awesome. Like wise, please don't hold me up to the standards or knowledge you live by. Just because I believe in God doesn't mean I claim to know it all or am perfect. I don't and am far from it. We are different, yet there's a happy medium called respect :). You're human right? me too... let's start there :)

Religion

I'm blogging about how I came to believe in God in my life, if you already don't like where this blog is going, maybe it's not a good idea to read on ;) I'm not out to tell everyone else their wrong or to try to convince you that I am right. Just thought being Easter I'd share my experience about why and what I believe. Which is just that, my life experience which you cannot tell me is wrong or not true, just the same as I would never attempt to tell you that your life experiences have been wrong or untrue!

Do I believe in God because I need a crutch? It bugs me that people say that. You don't have to agree, you also don't have to be judgy all up in my grill. To be straight up with you, what you judge and how you judge - says more about you then what you're judging...

My personal motto facing life is to always give something or someone every chance to prove them self before dismissing them, and that I do. Why? Because too many people have come and gone in my life and dismissed me not knowing the first thing about who I am or why. Very uncool.

First and foremost I am honest and have enough humility to admit that I most certainly do need a crutch. This world is sick and awful. Despite the pleasant moments, (in my life at least) they have not outweighed the painfully bad. Be there no reason to exist other than to suffer at the hands of this world day after day - all for nothing in the end, I would surely rather end it all now.

Do I need a crutch? Sure do! The more you claim to have it all together, the farther away you are from 'knowing' anything. You're human right? I'll take my chances saying you are imperfect and to one extent or another broken inside too.

Yes, I need a crutch. So does everyone. However that's not the part that bothers me...

Is God a crutch? Certainly not. It's not until you 'know' Him that you will understand and until you get to 'know' Him, you haven't earned the right to write Him off.

I mean one could shut off and completely neglect to think about these things and live in the present. However denying the truth about something doesn't make it untrue. If there was truth behind something...something big...I would want to know and I wouldn't let someone else's opinion stop me from finding the truth. That's just the way I'm wired.

Sure there are silly people out there, claiming to have all the answers and knowledge of 'God'. Like I said, "The more you claim to have it all together, the farther away you are from 'knowing' anything."

You need to know, 'christians' aren't God, God is God. I've met so many self-saving Christians who would rather point to them self as the answer then to God.. but that's a whole other blog... The point is - if someone arrogantly and ignorantly misrepresented you to someone else, wouldn't it suck if people then rejected you and didn't think twice about you because this person misrepresenting made you out to be some sort of creep that your not? Infuriating and heartbreaking at the same time I would think..

Sort of like those people that are constantly looking for something to be on the warpath about. When they find something to hate you with they go tell everyone else how horrible you are and talk it up instead of being honest to you... Years later your still clueless as to what the heck happened, because everyone's busy hating you for something you never did or said...

Frustrating yes? Then give God a break for some of the self-righteous, self-promoting people out there that misuse God's name. He's nothing like that. And just because there are in-your-face, know it all, 'you need Jesus or your going to hell!' christians out there... please don't let them characterize us all, or me at least! Because I as a 'Christian' question those people probably more so than you.

In fact! If you read about Jesus (yes in the Bible)...there are pretty funny yet serious things he says to and about religious people of the sort! You'll discover, He not only sides with but befriends the people that the proud and self-righteous condemn and put down.

Anyways, I grew up in church. As I discovered a lot of the un-christiany and condescending things christians around me did, I turned away and started to break down everything I was choosing to believe. Not only did I not agree with some things some 'christians' were living, I did not want to be associated among them for the things I saw that went against everything I felt in my heart was naturally moral.

I took a world's religion course in University. Faced with the truth I found, I was forced to throw it all away.

Studying different theological and religious views from different religions one thing became steadily apparent. There must be something more...be it an inner world of truth, love and hope within ourselves or another grander being... Or... there is simply no point...so why try?

During the course, once I stripped everything away, I found a concrete truth.

(Let me note, because I found truth in a theology of Buddhism does not mean I am or considered at any point my self Buddhist. The same as agreeing 'Thou shall not kill' doesn't make you Christian.)

Buddhists believe in this thing called The 8 Fold Path. It's all about finding wholeness in their inner selves. I'm not a big fancy word person, so I won't go there - all detail style. As my prof explained this one theology of one sect of Buddhism my entire world view changed.

Here's my short and sweet explanation of it and the answers my class of 400 plus university students agreed upon.

Does a cup exist if someone shows it to you? Yes.

Does a cup exist before it was a cup? No, because it wasn't a cup.

Does a cup exist if it is broken? No, because it is no longer a cup.

If I tell you the cup exists but you don't see it, does it exist? No - because humans are not infallible. Simply stating or hearing that a cup exists, does not mean it does. To believe in something without knowing it is absolute is a fallacy.

Being that we cannot say the cup exists to all these questions, we must conclude that basing or centring any part of our being or life around this cup would be a fallacy (stupid and pointless). (It is not absolute or truth!).

For something to be an absolute truth, it can not change. If something had a beginning or an end, (was created or can be destroyed) it is not absolute. If something is absolute it must be constant and non-transitional.

The theology basically came down to - once you strip everything from your life away and focus on what is absolute (real) you will find your truth and peace there.

This made grand sense to me. I wanted absolute! Something constant in this ever changing world! Why would you want to base your life or draw yourself on anything less? It will simply fail you over and over again as it changes or dies! After all, if I were to accept anything as truth I wanted it to be absolute 100% beyond a doubt!

The question becomes what the crap is absolute? Everything I know of can be destroyed and is changing. What will be my constant? My source for truth peace and hope?

To the Buddhists the answer is the 'self' of a person is absolute (constant, never changing...). I struggled with what they suggested. I knew how inconsistent I was no matter how hard I tried to be self-disciplined. And striving for this inner self-discipline and control...isn't that transition? Also how do I know that I am absolute? Unless another 'absolute' was telling me that I was absolute. Does my 'self' exist after death or does it die? There was no way to be 100% sure and without knowing would be a fallacy to believe in it - as the same theology taught me..

Absolute, absolute... aside from belief, of all the factual things I knew - I found one. The only absolute I can think of ....is death. We all die. So many in my life have died. Everything dies. We all have an end. It's un changing. It's constant. It didn't have a beginning. It doesn't have an end. Death. Death. Death. As long as there is life, there is death. Apart from life there is death. Life is changing, life is transitional, life ends. Death, it comes. It doesn't matter who you are, what you are. There will be an end. There will be death - a ceasing of being. Who has cheated it?

So... if my only truth, my only peace, my only hope in this life...is death? Then why put it off?

I lived in this deep darkness for sometime. I barely scraped by. Friends were dying, people were fighting, my heart was abandoned to my truth, my hope, my peace I would find in death.

Without giving much details and glorifying the darkness encompassing my life...[Enter God] There was a problem with the theology leading my heart. A big problem. It doesn't matter how you try to deny Him. It doesn't matter what source you look for answers (through Christian, other religious texts or secular historians), He existed. This had never been a question of what religion is right over the other. It had always been a question of what was absolute. What could be my source, the purpose behind my life and existence?

We all live on this path of death, but could death be overcome? Had it? Could I? Deep inside, though I longed for death, it was not what I wanted... It was an escape, from what I was incapable on my own to overcome.

In my mind the only possible way for someone or thing to prove to be an absolute would be to over come this absolute we all must face and know... Death.

Easter

Is it possible that Jesus - I said it... didn't just die because He loved us... a nice little crutch to lean on when people are mean... like the bumper sticker says - 'every one else thinks your an idiot...but ... Jesus loves you!' Maybe Jesus is more than a 'feel good.' Maybe Jesus is more than a teacher or leader like other religion leaders that have come and gone. After all he was not that 'good' of a teacher if that's all He was... if He was just a teacher or leader, He was misleading everyone to who He was and who God was.

I mean you can't choose bits and pieces of history to believe and deny the parts you don't like. It's an all or nothing deal to me. If Jesus wasn't God - He's a crazy person. But if he's a crazy person, how did He do everything He did, and why did so many people defend and continue living His cause? Why were the things He said so profound and how did they make sense? There's more going for the case that He was and is real - inside as He is outside than anything else.

If as historians have told us, this man existed...Jesus... and he died, and three days later there was no account for his body. His followers along with others claimed he was alive again. They went to their grave by a torturous death because they wouldn't deny the claim to Him being alive. (I mean who does that? Who goes to their grave over a lie for a crazy person? If you were going to put me through a gruesome death, I admit my falsities...but they didn't, they all died claiming to see Him alive.)

The law at the time, didn't like where the whole scene was going and couldn't disprove what they were saying. I would like to think they tried to solve the mystery before planning on a mass murder of everyone who believed He lived. Those people didn't have anything to gain going to their death over it. It's not their names we know...

I mean, it'd be like the government today saying, "All these people who believe the world is going to end in 2012 are pissing us off with all their silly ideas and scaring people. Let's off them all!" Or they could (like they do) just not give much thought to what they know is false or a real long shot. Unless they had something to hide... that may take away the focus and respect from them...

Up to 700 years prior to Jesus' birth there are prophecies that foretold the exact details of who he was and what he would do... How did they do that? How did they pull that off? How could someone who lived 700 years ago possibly predict today to the detail of on individual even of how He would die and rise again three days later?

Some people say He was just acting the part, but how do you explain that they predicted what people would think and say about him accurately? How did they predict accurately where he would be born, and where he would die? How the heck do you predict the geography of the world a couple hundred years from now or the exact blood line this person would come from? Or that he would be betrayed by one of his closest friends? That he would be beaten to the point of no physical recognition?

Those are a little out of his control if he's just some guy acting the part. How did He get it done perfectly, especially considering he had so many people against Him?

I mean...they didn't have facebook back then... We're talking about different historians who didn't know each other and plan this out together. Some were separated by hundreds of years yet they spoke accurately about the same thing and predicting exact details of it? How? Even with facebook today, we couldn't pull that off...

To me, it would be more of a stretch to assume these things are extremely coincidental about his life than to acknowledge them as truth.

I mean those are some pretty huge coincidences... and here's an ever bigger one!

...If Jesus is alive... if he died but still lives... meaning - He is now, who He was then, it would have to mean He is who He said He was...God. Therefore He had always been. If so, that fits Him in the definition of what is 'absolute' and the only other absolute that I previously could think of and know in this world that may contradict Him, (death)...He just kicked in the ass...

Meaning for me...I am free of religion. Of trying to be good enough. I am free of believing, hoping, searching. I know and am set free from death and there is nothing I have to do to receive it. It's already done. Death is already defeated. Even though I die, there is life for me.

The God my heart knows, desires nothing of me than to simply be. Be who and how He created me. It doesn't matter what the world around me thinks. I know who I am and know He who sees and created me. I don't have to be right or have it all together to get anywhere. He does and already did it.

Does it make me a weak person for believing in God? No, it means I'm grown up enough and humbled enough to admit that I don't have it all together. I see strength in embracing weakness. I would rather stare what's wrong in the face and deal with it, then run and hide from it or try to over compensate elsewhere.

I believe it would be more of a weaker and vulnerable place to face this world alone, I couldn't do that.

Even if I had to choose blindly, I'd take my chances. I would certainly rather believe in God and be wrong, then not believe in Him and be wrong.

People question so many times, where's the proof? For some reason they don't see it, but it's all I see.

Don't you know how insignificant, small and puny our earth is in the eyes of the universe? Tell me we are not on a priviledged planet, during a priviledged time, in a priviledged galaxy, in a super delicate universe. If certain bacteria's didn't exist our balance of life would fall apart! Every very delicately designed piece of creation was designed to speak of Him. If that's not enough proof, nothing will ever be enough. Tell me this is all random.. this wasn't planned, that we are not the centre of God's eye.

And I'll tell you, you must have extra-ordinary strength or faith to believe so surely in something you surely can't ever know factually...I mean there are theories, which are just that...theories which have zero 'absolute' foundations. The thought that this is all random and by complete chance, would make life terrifying. At any moment something could go wrong and our galaxy could be sucked into one of the gigantic stars in our universe before we ever saw it coming. It could all end just as randomly as it all started and what the heck was the point in the first place? All this pain?!?!

This is what I know about God...He died for us simply because He wants us to know He loves us. He lives, so we can live too. You don't have to change who you are. He created who you are. He wants to give you the freedom to be yourself without restraints as you know His love.

The beauty of God is He doesn't want your brain...He wants your heart. He doesn't need us to believe in Him to love us. He loved today yesterday. He's already been there and done that. All we have to do is stop religiously trying and accept it's done.

If He wanted, He could walk into the room with you right now to prove Himself. If He does, let me know ;) I'd be super stoked. However, would that really give you what you want? Would it bring satisfaction to your brain or your heart? ...Maybe just maybe...He's looking for silenced brains and open hearts...

Jesus didn't come to make us the wiser and smarter and bring us head knowledge, so it's no surprise, he's not going to appear in your brain with all the factual evidence we are expecting. That's not what He came for! He came 'to bind up the broken hearted' so chances are we'll find Him there, waiting for our hearts to open, and when they do, turns out He's been actively pursuing us all along.

It's one thing to think you know something in your brain.. It's another thing to know something in your heart.. How often we simply 'change our mind'. Yet how hard it is to deny or pretend our hearts don't see or feel a certain way, even when we don't want them to! It goes against all reason and understanding yet is undeniably real and true. It's a whole new boat.

And as unreasonable or as 'off' as it looks to other people...as Forest Gump put it..."That's my boat.."

Jorryn & Jeriah Pergentile

I'm so thankful to have these boys in my life! We are celebrating their 3rd and 5th birthdays tomorrow! (March 28th and April 4th) I can't believe how fast time goes by! Didn't know life could be this good with the goodness they've brought to me!

This is what they will wake up to in the morning....Then we're going bowling and go carting their activities of choice ;)